Day two on publicly being open on life and on how living with depression has put me into such a cataclysmic state.
I’m finding it to be more difficult to put “pen to paper” (so to speak) about my life and where it has led me. My mind is telling me that this is ridiculous. Why are you wasting all this time writing down all of your thoughts? Don’t you already know this is such a fruitless effort of exhausting all your energy? Energy you don’t even have anymore? It’s telling me to, “Go lay back down in your cozy little bed, so I can once again be the “star of the show” and begin again to project more little sad reels of tape, on just how much you need to end your life. Because really…..you have nothing else to live for anymore. If you haven’t achieved to where you should be at the age of 32 years old, then you really shouldn’t be taking up anymore time and space on this earth now, should you?” Quite frankly My Dear, you are a failure….” That sounds a little bit extreme. I know. But that is just one lonely little thought that can occur in such a vast world of being a depressive.
It’s an absolute constant battle to quiet these thoughts. Deep down, I know better. I know this is my disease talking and God created me with a purpose. But, it’s just nonstop. It’s like a incessant little child poking you over and over again in the leg saying, “Look at me! Give me this! I want! I want!” You finally just want to cave in with a disgruntled sigh and say, “Alright! I’m coming! I’ll listen and give in!”
I guess that is a good place to start on this post today. On how we can turn depression into something much more than a name. We give it life and allow it to grow into something much more bigger then we can handle. How we can feed it, instead of fighting against it, like we should. I guess after living with this disease my whole childhood and adult life, it just becomes easier to repress it with medication and therapy, even though that never seems to work. But pretending like it never existed, nor still exists, is something you know that CAN actually work. Hiding it away, even if it is for such a short amount a time, is like a vacation in the Bahama’s. Denial… And that is such a nice refresher, isn’t it? It’s nice to allow yourself to think that someone who spent a lot of time and money at a university, who has dedicated their lives to conquering this Man Made Beast and who can “fix” you, knows better than YOU do. Allowing them and other professionals to fill out little tablets of “trial and errors”, to re-correct and direct you on your life of normalcy, like your supposed to be, with other members of your society. *Sigh* I know…..now I’m just rambling.
Point is…..I’ve come to live with this Little Black Cloud. Sometimes it will let up, allowing days where I could just breathe. Then there are days when the weather would change coarse and take an unexpected turn. It would give you a head-ups on stormy days and dreary nights. But, I finally came to the point to where, I don’t even want to open up the curtains to entertain the thought on what day this is going to turn out to be. I just want to hide under my blankets for once and let this life just pass me by. Life can just take all the sunshine and rainbows that it comes with, because I know what awaits for me outside of my window is, just going to be the same old song and dance.
For once, I give up. Not for attention or to throw some huge pity party, all for myself. I’m doing this as quietly as possible. As to not hurt others in this process of self destruction. But what I’m beginning to realize though is…. that it IS hurting everyone around me. And everything. That is what depression does best. Isn’t it? And I’m finding it harder and harder each day to confront this and care. I’m selfish….I know. But I am also tired. Weary. Please forgive me for the harshness of these words. It’s not my intention, nor is it my personality to be such a thoughtless person. I’m normally the girl that cares deeply more about others and their well being, than my own. But this is another topic, for another day.
So for now, I’ve decided to hide. Yup. Right there under the blankets, just like I was 5 years old again. Cowardly, right? But this time, I know praying to God isn’t going to be as easy as wishing upon a falling star or throwing an old penny in a wishing well. I don’t know what will fruition out of this “giving up” that I finally have succumbed too. Even though I pray and constantly wish for death every single day of my life now…..deep down, I know I still want to live. I know this because……..I’m still here. For how long though, I don’t know. I fear as much though…..it won’t be long. How can you win when you allow such a disease to take over? Maybe this is one of my “Trial and Errors”. To just see how far I can go and take this. If I will recover and come out shiny and new….maybe even enlightened? I know….wishful thinking. But, depression can do that to you. It can give you wishful thinking.