Trying to find Faith

Every day when I wake up, I go make myself a lovingly, big cup of coffee (Keurig…the little things in life that can warm my heart with joy, along with a nice Cup Of Joe) and ponder on what I can write about for the day. I’ve been doing this for years. Only now, have I decided to give in to the concept of “Blogging” and allow to write for others. Others who may wish to see. But, I’m doing this more for myself. It does give me something new and challenging to look forward too. And to have a feeling for reason. A reason to maybe, “wake up for another day of this life I am currently living.” It  is a lifeline I strongly grasp onto nowadays. For they are far and few in between.

I’m hoping to eventually open up more about my life and the way I live. How depression finally got to me (sadly allowing it so). But for now, baby steps is all that I can seem to muster.

I thought maybe to write about coping skills, to help give others an idea on how to handle the “not so wonderful moments” that depression can throw your way. Man… I should at LEAST have that down! For I’ve had so many years of living and fighting with this! But….. then I thought, I’m not a “professional” and I would hate to give advice to others when I’m in such a clouded state myself as is. So, maybe I can just give information on the tools that “I” use. What I try desperately to do, when my panic attacks blow into a full on “The Walking Dead” episodes inside of my head. Hmm… That’s a good analogy to use, right? Ha! For me it is…. For the days when I just lifelessly and aimlessly keep on going mundanly, when there seems to be no hope. The days when, just trying to survive from one place to the next seems hopeless, wondering what you will eat (for myself living with anorexia nervosa), on how to consume your energy into the best statistical way that is beneficial to you, or anxiously worrying about what will be lurking out of every dark corner or shadow you see. For me, those are my inner demons, which can resemble a zombie, I guess… The days when you say to yourself, “Should I just keep going? It would be so much more easier to just let them come and get me. Drag my body away and to do with it what they will. It’s a list just goes on…….and of course, and on…..and on.

I had a therapist once tell me, “Breathe”. Breathing can go a long way, believe it or not. She would then tell me at first to, Take a deep breath in through my nose, hold in for 3 seconds, then let that breath out slowly through my mouth. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it was, on the first try, to cough up a ball of snot after crying so much, prior to that little lesson. But she just smiled, and said, “That’s okay. Let’s this try again.” We continued the process once more. Then two more times after. She will then proceed to tell me to try this breathing technique for whenever I felt a panic attack come on or, when I allow those clouded thoughts in my head to consume my mind. After I got comfortable with that process of general releasing, I should then go on trying to imagine breathing in a bright, white light that is shining down from above, onto the crown of my head, that spreads throughout my whole body. To then breathe that light inside myself. Imagining and creating a white light of clean, crisp cool air, holding your breathe for 5 seconds this time around, then to exhale slowly out of your mouth, imaging ALL that negative, sad, raw emotion just exhaling out of your body in a billowy cloud of dark, thick smoke, that gives off an appearance of “pollution”. It may say weird but, oddly enough, It turned out to be a fantastic technique that I took and carried with me for all the days of my life. I kept it folded neatly inside my pocket (so to speak) like a dirty little secret I stowed away and carried around with me. For when the days that turned out sour and uncontrollable. I’d just imagined myself pulling that note out, looking at it for reassurance, softly tucking it away and away I would go with my process of breathing!

Unfortunately for now, it seems I may have tucked and re-tucked that thought/image/technique, too many times at the present moment. I know it is still there….somewhere. Just waiting for me to come and make friends with it once again, but….I am a little too far gone being sucked into this disease at the time being. I only wanted to write and reflect about one experience that has worked with me in the past. Bringing all of this up at the moment is very painful. Reason being, I’m dredging up a lot of past memories that I have so perfectly hidden away. And I don’t feel like I am in the right position to give too much advice, especially when my disease has so consumed and overridden all of my own thoughts and emotions.

I pray my writings will fall onto that one straggler on the internet out there, who is searching for “a cure”, a meaning or the hopes on how to deal with such a disease. For the ones who are, seeking desperately to see if anyone else in this Whole Wide World feels as lost and despaired as they themselves are feeling. To the person who is searching for answers, maybe even a reason on why they should live or how to cope with the struggles of this life. For, that’s how I myself came across WordPress Blogger. I was desperately seeking. Desperately clutching on! in the hopes that, I could read about someone just like me. Someone who would show me the raw insides into their daily life. How they are “dealing”. Relating to other individuals, onto what we ourselves feel, is a natural part of being a human being. It gives me that kind of hope that I’ve long forgotten on how to experience. I was just praying to see that someone out there was like me. That they too were feeling these terrible, raw emotions, just as I do. I wanted to read with my own two eyes, instead of hearing or reading it through a third party. I wanted something tangible in front of my very face. To connect.

I pray for this connection. To help in some odd, morbid way… through all my terrible experiences. Which I hope to fully open up too, someday. Writing my life all down in a short session isn’t possible. It will be a process for me to open up. I’m just hoping in this process, it will eventually help others along their way in their in lives.

Remember: You are not alone. Even though you can’t see me, or tangibly hear or feel me….I am with you. I am with you in spirit, in the energy that surrounds you, inside the beating of your heart. I love you and I promise God is with you in this process of grief, loneliness, sadness, depression…which ever the case it may be. God is with you. And so are your sprite guide(s) and angels. SO many people whom you do not know, are with you right now unexplainably.

That’s one battle I am struggling to cope with myself right now. The faith to believe the reason of all of this. But I know it is there. Deep down inside of me. Just waiting to shine through all the murk and filth that depression has left in its wake. But I just know God is there. Just like you do….we just need to give it faith. Hopefully on this journey together, we can find rediscovery and make it out ourselves alive.

I’ll leave you with a little bit of free verse poetry now.

 

“When your soul becomes weak and tired

The world becomes tired too.

When the last of your breath you breathe, is breathed

You are no longer able to breathe the world in.

When the sight in your eyes decides to vanish

No part of the world will be able to see you either

.

Hiding in the dark

Becomes a safe haven

Because it will recognize its own.

It will give you back your sight.

And you will learn one thing..

 

That the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds you may belong in

And except the one you currently belong to right now.

Sometimes,

It will take “darkness” and

The cold seclusion of your confinement

In order to learn the acceptances of loneliness.

And you will then learn too, that…

Anything or anyone that does not bring you alive…

Is too small for you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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