Seclusion

I’ve been told secluding yourself while you are depressed is probably one of the worst things that you can ever do. That if you allow it, depression will take over everything you have ever cared for away. It can take the small things in life that you would never have thought twice about. Hopping in a car by yourself, going to the grocery store or simply going out to gas for your car. It will little by little, let go of all the friendships that you spent years on making, cherishing and evolving with.

Letting go of friendships and family infects everything you touch. You will slowly start to deflect questions with other questions. Or you will try to bring up another topic when a response is required from you. Or even simply pretending like you never even heard the question that was asked of you in the first place. It starts to become so much more easier to avoid others. And after awhile, people will stop asking questions about your state of mind altogether.

When people ask, “How are you doing?”. There is never a new answer that comes out of that question anymore. You can either lie and say, “I’m doing good.” Or tell them the truth and say, “I’m doing absolutely terrible. I’m just finding it harder and harder to wake up each and every day. That it is becoming a constant struggle that I battle within myself anymore. A battle that is exhausting all my faculties to the point where, thinking straight and trying not to think about death, is becoming a constant reoccurrence.”

Pretty soon, trying to stay within yourself becomes a feeling that you learn to grow comfortable with and something you are more able to deal with. It’s so much easier than to try to be in a world where you feel you no longer belong too. The eyes that you now see through, are not the eyes of your own anymore. You start to slowly fade back into yourself and allow depression to slowly take a step forward. “He/she/it” is now the stranger looking through your eyes. Rose colored glasses? Maybe more like Black sunglasses. Shielding and protecting away all that ever was.

With me, it started with going to bed early. Then the next would be, staying in bed all day, so I can pick and choose which memories and feelings left me in such a catatonic state. Trying to find the meaning of why I’m always feeling so down. Maybe even, if I felt sorry for myself just enough….I would finally tire of all these emotions. Then, it became a week. Soon after……a month, which then turned into a plural. It became Months. And in the meantime, I am severing every relationship I have ever known. Building up a wall that not even the strongest fighters could manage to break down. I would respond to a text every now and then, in the beginning. Just because I really did care very deeply for everyone I knew and had in my life. I didn’t want to hurt them thinking otherwise. But then, the texts, calls and social media from my friends become quieter and quieter. A straggler text would pop in occasionally, just to check in and see if your still alive. They would say that they haven’t heard a peep out of you in a very long time. That they miss you. They are praying for you. In the mean time, you are reading all of this and being robbed with the inability to respond, eventually devastating your soul. You feel helpless and soon lose the hope to find words to express yourself. To function normally. And then soon it becomes…….silence. An eerie wave of complete silence. You knew this was going to eventually happen. This is what you wanted to happen. You wanted to shy away from all your relationships, the world, because you yourself started to feel like an embarrassment with all these thoughts and emotions. Of not being able to function like a proper human being. You start to feel that, how you are acting and reacting to everything around your environment isn’t “normal” so, you hide in hopes to not be judged or pitied.

I’m trying desperately to prevent others from witnessing this pain I’m going through. I don’t want them to have to watch me break.  All it will do for them is make them feel like they are powerless on something they don’t understand. Or have the tools to fix. Not knowing how to save someone right before their very eyes. Someone that they love and care for, is just falling to pieces right there in front of them. They don’t need to know how dark I’ve become. For the pain I feel, comes in waves. Ebbing and flowing to something that seems to be out of my complete control.

I no longer do the things I once loved to do. Depression has taken over. Depression likes the dark now. The sunshine is now out of my life. My body has been complying by, shedding its skin to an alabaster white. Stepping out of the house now is left to past memories. Depression likes messy, dirty hair and hygiene that seems to be long forgot. That is a task that requires energy and energy is deplete, since that is how depression can function. It feeds off your energy, leaving you with nothing but living on an empty tank of dried out fumes. Depression smiles inside. It knows just how much it can take from you and yet, somehow keep you alive. It leaves you left with nothing but a hollow shell.

I ask that, if you do suffer from such a horrific disease, to please never isolate yourself. I believe it to be, just as I’ve been told, one of the most horrible things that you can do to your body and mind. It will leave you without a voice, eventually robbing you of friendships, family and future possibilities. I know this from past experiences and with what I am currently going through at this very moment. Depression has taken its grip. It has made it to the point on where, I can no longer feel in control of my life or know how to revert back and fix this detachment from reality. I’ve made it comfortable and familiar. So much so that, I can’t imagine not being without this reclusion. I want to be able to go back outside and feel the sunshine on my face. To actually look and observe other human beings, without it being on a flat screen somewhere. I’ve completely and utterly made myself vanish from this world. All with the will of giving up. These four walls have become my seclusion.

 

 

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