When your alone, in the dark, locked up inside a place you don’t want to be….you try to find meaning. You try to find hope. You try to find hope anywhere and everywhere. You start looking in places you never even knew existed before. Before all of this suffocating darkness found you.
You’ll dig into the most darkest, abysmal places inside your erratic, beating heart. Every little nook and cranny. It’s a never ending game of hide-n-seek, that just won’t let up and play fair.
The darkness can start to make you feel crazy. You will start to conjure up outlandish stories about yourself on why and how you got to such an extraordinary place to begin with. You start to think, Where did this all go wrong? Why can’t I find the courage and strength to keep moving on? It seems like every other human being on this planet is doing just that, and they seem to be doing just fine. They’re coping. What do they have that I don’t have? And where can I find that?
There are times when my voice seems so silent, so shut up from all of this pain, so much so that I feel like it will suffocate me alive. How do I find this feeling called “hope”? And if I do find it…..will I get any better? Do I want to get better? It appears to become all that I’ve known now….
I hope below gives anyone who may stumble upon my little page, an ounce of hope. I’m still searching. But I hope to find hope. No matter how fantastical right now I feel that the idea may be.
Speaker: Angelo Ajayi
“I believe what truly humbles us in this life is, the realization is that we’re all effected the same way. We’re hurt in different places and we’re broken by different things, but all of it effects us the same way.
Lost hope can destroy faith, a broken heart can wound a spirit, abuse can damage the soul. No one is immune from the ups and downs of life. They are all ones and all’s or nothing at all’s of life. The excitements of it all; the build ups and the crashes, the moments of joy, the painful nights, the fights with emotions and the emptiness that seduces.
You don’t get to skip over that. We’re all touched by it, we’re all broken by it.
Things happen. Plans fall apart. People leave. Faith crumbles. Enthusiasm dries up. And we’re effected. And then sometimes we’re effected, but nothing at all happened. We just feel this way.
We’re not built to be strong all the time. We’re not built to be brave all the time. Life gets hard and you run out of options.
You end up on your knees, praying to a God who won’t talk back. Plus, you cry into a pillow, that can’t squeeze back. You search for yourself at the end of a needle because, the pills didn’t help and the liquor made it worse.
All you want is validation, but you can’t find it. You close your eyes, you just want to go deep, to feel something, but it never comes. And all you know is that something in you wants to die.
That’s real. That’s life.
Sometimes you touch that place; you never thought you’d get there, you never thought you’d sink there, but you’re drowning. You never thought it would be you, but your crying. You don’t know how you got there, but you’re barely hanging on. And the closer you get to the edge, the harder it is to talk. You’ve disconnected, your scared to unplug.
It’s like a door shuts behind you and there you are screaming for your mother in the dark. But she can’t hear you. So you scream louder and it only gets darker.
I know you think there is no hope. I know you believe you have nothing left but, stay with me. Stay with me….because there is something in the human spirit, that refuses to be conquered. There is something in the human spirit that refuses to die.
I don’t know what it is, but in the dark, it responds. In the dark, it calls to you. “In the dark, it rages and rages against the dying of the light.”
It’s calling to you and I know there is something left in you. I know there is something else in you. I believe that.
But I know the other side of darkness, isn’t always light. I’ve been here long enough to know the other side of defeat, isn’t always victory. I can tell you right now, that on the other side of tears, and hurt; isn’t always smiles of redemption. This this is hard. This thing hurts. And most of the time, after the darkness, comes the pain.
The truth is, the pressure can kill you, if you let it. And if you fight it, there’s going to be pain. But that’s the price you pay, to fight pain. That’s the price you pay, to come out on the other side. That’s the price you pay, to grow. Pain is work.
Pain is digging into memories. Pain is confronting where you came from and what happened to you. Pain is dropping the “should of’s/could of’s” or “would-have-been’s”; and to start from where you are.
Pain isn’t the mistakes you make. Pain is accepting that you can’t fix them. Pain is, knowing that for you, the pressure doesn’t have to have a reason. It just is. It doesn’t have a cause. It just is. Decide to cradle life anyway.
Sometimes that’s all there is. That’s all we get. There’s no magic bullet, there’s no “cure all”. There’s only the chance to redefine our pain and call it “growth”. Because that’s where it starts. And that’s what is calling you in the dark. That’s what refuses to quit and grow. That’s the real you.
It doesn’t care what touched you. It doesn’t care what left you. It doesn’t care what kind of mess you turned your life into. It doesn’t care what you did. It doesn’t care if you think your broken. It just wants to grow. That’s the real you. It just wants to grow….
Growth is what we came here to do. Growth is who we are. Growth is redemptive; it heals. Growth is what drives life. Where there is no growth; you’ll find friction. And when you find friction, there’s chaos. Anxiety. Depression. Now these are expressions of chaos.
Some people suffer their entire lives. And the fact is, depression is a part of how we live our lives but, some of us get stuck there. The space between getting stuck in depression and getting to growth is called, “friction”.
When you’re stuck, you’ve got to get through friction before you see growth. Friction is uncomfortable. Friction is asking for help. Friction is learning to put yourself first. Friction is being brave enough to go beyond your reasons and check yourself into a recovery center. Friction doesn’t feel good.
Sometimes, it feels like your letting your friends and your family down. Sometimes friction feels like failure. But friction is one step closer to growth. And that’s what you need. That’s what’s calling you.
You see…..I know the feeling. I know what it’s like to watch your entire world implode. I know what it feels like, to get hit hard in a place you thought you mastered. An area you thought you were safe. I know what it feels like, to watch people walk away from you. That stop believing in you.
I know what that feels like.
I know what it feels, to think you may never get back up again. I know what it is, to want to give up. I know what that broken record in your mind sounds like. I know how loud it gets. I know how long you’ve been asking yourself, “Why me?”.
And this is all there is. I know what that noise is telling you. But, here’s a little truth…
It’s just noise.
It sounds real. It feels real…
But it’s just noise.
The truth is….you can choose. The truth is, you’re not broken. The truth is, there’s still something here for you to do. The truth is, there’s a love out here for you. The truth is, someone still needs you. Someone still needs your smile. Someone still wants your arms around them. Someone, somewhere, is waiting for you.
That’s the truth.
The truth is, you are not alone. But you have got to make that pain count.
You want some truth? Well, here it is…..
Pain gets old. Pain gets exhausting. The truth is, the only thing that matters is, “what are you going to do next.” What you do next, is the only thing that matters.
Life is about movement. Even in the dark. Even if it’s just one terrifying, determined step at a time.
Where you are, isn’t who you are.
Who you are, is whoever you say you are.
And I say there is something else. Something more. And if pain is the price, then pay it full. Don’t give up.
Don’t give up.”