It’s been months since my last blog entry. I can’t seem to put the thoughts that are running through my head, down onto paper (so to speak), anymore. I can say that I have not gotten any better. Worse, in fact. My waking hours, when I’m not doped up on sleeping pills, consist of lying in bed. I either watch movies or read to help pass this never ending loop of time. I haven’t bathed in over 3 months. I can barley get out of bed without losing my breathe. My body is withered, I am in constant pain. I have hardly anymore body fat on my body that you can see. When my bones lean up or touch something for too long it begins to hurt badly. I sleep in fits because of the discomfort and my bed is a sea of pillows and blankets. My skin is oily, yet very dry at the same time. I have missing spots of hair on my scalp. I used to have such beautiful blonde hair…Now, my hair is always wrapped up in a loose pony tail, unless I try to get some sleep. It helps to stop scratching my scalp, when the times I feel like it itches crazily. Plus, it’s so heavy from oils and god knows what else, that it is uncomfortable to have it down.
Anyways. The reason I came back to my blog is quiet simple. I’m either just really, really losing all my marbles or something is happening and changing in my life. Please be open to this when you read…..for what I’m about to say is…..kinda nuts? I know right…..coming from someone whom some would say is already nuts. The irony huh? I’m not “nuts” or “delusional”. I simply live with depression. I don’t see hot pink unicorns flying over skittled rainbows or hear little white rabbits asking me to jump down rabbit holes with them, in order to meet their highly acidic, chain-smoking caterpillar friends. So…here goes…
In January 2016, in the height of my career and being happily engaged, I became stupidly obsessed with “spirits, ghosts, angels, spirit guides, shadow people, etc.” It all came from a stupid show I was binge watching seasons on called, “Ghost Adventures”. I mean….I just stopped in my tracks, literally in life, and became in awe of it. Of course, I knew this media entertainment was just that….ENTERTAINMENT! I way to get ratings and use awesome ways to video edit, cue in the spooky music, interview people who really do believe they are haunted by an entity(s) and cue in the rest from there!
I would laugh as I watched 40 minutes of entertainment and relay the experience with friends, my fiancé and co-workers. But, as I did, I couldn’t help think myself…were they thinking the same things that I did too. “What if???” It can be a little exciting to think we are not alone. That maybe our loved ones we miss so incredibly much ARE watching over us or checking in on us every now and then. That maybe there is more to this life and the supposed “proof” we are seeing, may have some truth to it.
Of course, anything with the media, being TV, movies, books, magazines….you have to take with a grain of salt. It’s every man for himself on what to believe, to tell as truth, and process it in life.
I’m getting besides the point….
After watching this crap….I wanted more. After 9 seasons I felt I was left bereft and hanging on the edge of a cliff wondering, “What if???” I eventually found other TV related shows. Ghost Hunters, Paranormal State, Paranormal Lockdown, The Dead Files, Ghost Asylum, CELEBRITY Ghost Stories!, Long Island Medium, Paranormal Witness, The Haunting Of….., Psychic Kids, John Edwards, Ghostly Encounters, Haunting Evidence, Haunted Lives: True Ghost Stories, Hollywood Medium with Tyler Henry…..I mean it just goes on! As you start to watch more and more you can’t help but get more and more involved. Excited. Their just seems to be too many people, with so much proof and no explanations with debunking and sharing their stories, The emotions on their face….their body expressions. If this really is ALL a bunch of bullshit, then man…..It sure is one hell of a story to tell with all this video documentation. I just had to know…..I had to know if there was more.
I am going to introduce lovely Ebay now. I bet a whole lot of you of just cringed and now know where this is going to go. Sadly, I am afraid you are right. I needed something…..anything! And I was willing to spend as much as I could to find some sort of truth. I’m chuckling to myself right now. I haven’t done that is ages……I look back now and think I was so thick headed and so sure I was going to find proof of an afterlife. How completely dumb was I?
It started with dolls. I bought over 20 “Haunted Dolls” in the matter of 6 months. Dolls that were “authentic”….of course…..from reputable sellers. I only purchased off sellers with 100% positive feedback and a slew of testimonials. The dolls priced from as low as $50.00 to $700.00. I had actually totaled the amount to a little over $4,000 dollars. But, that was including other items too. When I noticed nothing happening in my environment “physically” for me to see or hear, I bought items to help. I bought a “Ovilus 4”, Steve Huffs “The Portal” and 4 of his apps to download onto my laptop to help with communication which were, SCD-2, Ethereal, Vocibus Spirit Box and SB1. I ended up buying “spiritual jewelry” and crystals, Ouija boards that were supposedly guaranteed haunted with spirits, but “good” spirits, haunted ww2 holocaust memorabilia (I am fascinated with the holocaust and the destruction of so many innocent lives that deeply effects my heart and soul so tragically.) Then I decided to buy antique curio cabinets to store my dolls in and rosaries, medallions, crosses, etc. for protection against evil. I bought Tarot cards, pendulums, spells, grimoires (HUGE grimoire books!), candles, incense, God it just goes on and on…..
Thinking back now, was this a recipe for disaster? Did I get what I was asking for? Unintentionally that is…..having no clue what I was getting myself into??
A couple months in after getting all of this stuff, I guess I may have changed. Looking back, I became lethargic, not as perky as I would perceive myself to others as. Friends, customers, people in general… I would work, then go home, take my sleeping pills and sleep for 12 hours, just to wake up and go to work again. I little by little stopped going over to my fiancés and spending time with him. I just literally wanted to go home and crawl in bed, try to communicate with spirit, then sleep. Maybe hopefully I could communicate in my dreams and find out the real, whole truth. I think that was what put the last nail in the coffin, so to speak, with my relationship with my fiancé. I think he thought I didn’t love him anymore. That I didn’t want to be around him, or talk to him. It was the complete opposite. I loved him more and more as each day progressed between us. I just became “someone else”. The only true way I can describe it as is, I was just damn tired ALL the time. I started to recluse. That should have been my first sign. I didn’t see it though. I became a little bit more somber. I eventually avoided friends, stop talking to family, I couldn’t answer the phones or speak with customers without being irritated or mean. I began to hate myself. I tried to avoid my wholesalers, whom I truly loved deeply in my heart and called them my very own family. It was as if I was being pulled away on some invisible current. I just needed to not talk to anyone nor see them. Could this have been an effect of all the crap I bought? Maybe some evil spirit(s) attached their self/themselves to me and were ruining me? I don’t know….maybe I am just trying to find some sort of justification in this fucked up world I put my own self into. Why everyday feels like I’m teeter-tottering on the edge of death.
I eventually lost it all.
As you can tell.
I’ve never put two and two together until a couple of weeks ago.
The nightmares….waking up not being able to breath, scream, MOVE. Research calls it sleep paralysis. When I looked that up, I just thought, “Great. Another terminology to add onto my fucked up list of reasons of why I am so fucked up.” I see dark shadows in the corners of my eyes, but honestly……even my screwed up brain knows that it can be shadows, a trick of the light, the extreme MENTAL illness you are experiencing now. That is plenty enough justification on why I am seeing things. Mental illness can do that to you and make you hallucinate. But, feeling my bed move when I know no one is in that particular spot…my bed sheets depressing into the mattress, just enough to know something organic isn’t doing that. My bed literally thumping underneath my box spring and feeling my bed shake or move. The ever so slight tapping and the only way I can describe the sound would be, a light raking against the wall. Feeling constantly not being about to breathe…the choking I experience? Its more than likely that I could be just experiencing anxiety. I mean, that is the more logical answer to all of this. But, I’ve led myself to believe I’m finally losing it. Or am I? Am I on that brink of insanity? Or is there really a dark spirit, energy, demon, entity, whatever the hell you want to call it, messing with me. Or should I dare say, haunting me?
After losing interest of the paranormal after 6 months, I kind of just left all the things I had purchased in places that you would forget about or see and just have it out of the way of your everyday life. 4 months later, I lost it all. My job, fiancé, friends, customers, my life, you name it. ALL of it. I reclused and decided I wanted to give up on life. I just didn’t have anymore fight left in me. I just wanted to finally give in to my disease. I was tired of it.
With the months I spend withering away, small things have began to happen. Death of people I know, losing small dear objects of mine, electronics dying completely out of the blue, for no reason at all. Most being fairly new appliances or devices. It’s beginning to be too much! Much more than I can already withstand. My brand new Alienware computer just died the other day. Simply went to turn it on and absolutely no life. (OH, if life was that easy….) And since I don’t ever leave the house and I buy all my things online to be shipped to our door, that is how I now live. Totally relying on the internet. I am on my laptop now. I don’t know how much longer I will even have this thing to working for. Literally, EVERYTHING electronic is going out! No justification. It’s just too ironic. Everything is!
3 months ago we started getting mice. My family has lived in this house for over 20+ years and we’ve never had a rodent problem, much less an insect problem. Of course you get the occasional ants, but nothing extreme. The mice were migrating a lot to our garage. Soon after that discorvery, we found a mouse in the house. For us, that’s like the twilight zone, because my mom and dad are very, very clean people. Before the rodent problem, we of course got ants….but to the extreme. They are literally everywhere and killing them is doing absolutely nothing. Spray, traps, keeping things contained, clean…..We are eventually learning to live with these things. My mom tries to joke about it, but it wears you down. Then, we got a tick infestation outside. We live in suburbia. No woods anywhere even close for miles and miles. Just homes, stacked with more homes and roads. The dogs are infested every time they go out just to go potty. Its become an exhausting routine of tweezers, picking, cleaning, spraying, washing, you name it. My little baby girl Chihuahua has gotten to the point where she won’t go outside anymore. I’m afraid it’s because I have to pick off the ticks and wash her just about every time. Then came the cockroaches. WTF? Never had we had these types of problems….EVER. And in a matter of 3 months these rodents and this infestation of bugs are everywhere! I think I know more about researching on how to get rid of this sort of thing and preventative measures to take about infestations than the normal human being does. I also know we have to types of cockroaches infesting us. A light colored, honey brown one and a very dark, blackish brown one. And trust me. They are huge! We just cannot for the life of us pinpoint where they are coming from!? Then, came the infestations of beetles. This is now becoming a new species every week infesting us. I am completely baffled and defeated. Confused and at my limit. That’s when I started to take my research farther…..
Somehow, while googling all this shit that is going on, I can across “evil spirits and demonic possession. Of course I know all about this stuff from my little “fiasco” and “obsession” that I had last year. Reading about it, things around me started to make since….I would then type in more about “hauntings”, “spirit possession”, “demons”, you name it. Here I go again, I’m thinking to myself….But this time, I’m truly terrified and I don’t really want to know if that could be the source of all this shit going on in my life. The things I have been reading have been hitting too close to home. Could this have all started with my dolls? My Ouija Board? Tarot Cards? Necklaces, rings, gemstones, spells? God! How reckless could I have been? Not truly understanding I could have opened a door I should not have opened. Did I finally get my answers a year later? Does this type of thing actually exist?
I’ve since thrown away my Ouija board, put my dolls in large Tupperware boxes…not truly knowing what to do with them. I can’t tell my family that the weird obsession I got with dolls last year was because I was buying “haunted dolls” and experimenting to see if they were truly “haunted”. I’m afraid to throw them away because I’m afraid some kid will see them in the trash and take them home. Also, because I spent so much money on them and some are classified as “antique’. With the Ouija board I wrapped over and over in garbage bags to conceal somewhat, at least, what it was inside. Mainly I was afraid that any of my family members would see it in the trash.
Upon research I found demons, dark entities, energies spirits or whatever you want to call it, are attracted to negativity in home or person(s). They feed off of it. And God knows how much hate, depression, sadness that I hold inside of myself since “The Fall”. That I am literally trying to kill myself with not getting out of bed, depriving myself of food and when I absolutely have to eat something to fend off the gnawing hunger inside my gut, I make sure they are foods that have absolutely no nutrients that could keep myself for sustaining life longer than I have too. All because I don’t have the courage to commit suicide. To take a knife to slice an artery somewhere, to overdose on the thousands upon thousands of OTC sleeping pills that I store and use daily. To take an object that could asphyxiate all my breath from my lungs (hanging). I think about death all the time. It’s what keeps me living. Ironic, I know…
I just had to share this.. Get it off of my conscience. Because…what if? Maybe I am clinging onto the thought that maybe there is some light at the damn proverbial end of this tunnel. I just don’t know anymore. This is probably my illness just playing tricks on me. But, if there is something larger going on…..more than we can comprehend about an afterlife or spirits that exist….I feel people should have the right to know and take it how they want to perceive it. I do know I am close to death and oddly enough, life seems to make more sense the closer I get, even when I seem so far away. You perceive your environment differently. Whether it’s coherently or not, perceivable enough to believe or just plain ludicrous. You decide….
AC unit seemingly has decided to break. Just after our freezer quit out on us a month ago and a brand new computer dying last week. Will keep this updated if any more future happenings reoccur.