It’s funny how I can be surrounded by so many people in my little household and yet so little of these people that I know, cherish and love, pretend as of I don’t exist. I mean, I wanted this, right? To just fade away into nothing, until I no longer lived anymore. I’m that girl stowed away in a little room that you happen to glance at the door at, maybe even to see if the light is on underneath the cracks. Never a knock to see how you are doing or just to check in on you. If you happen to glance at me from the hall or kitchen, never is there a noticeable lifted head to inquire that you are still around.
I’m like that big pink elephant in the room that no one wants to mention or address. Surely they can see I’m nothing but skin and bones by now? That my pajamas are now sagging off of my body as if, they too are screaming to get away from the filth and disease that is now overriding my mind and body? The yellow skin that is unnatural to any visible eye? My eyes screaming and pleading for help? Some kind of love or emotion from the only people I have left in the world?
But, I just keep telling myself……you wanted this. You wanted to eventually fade away, until there was nothing left of you, but death. Death is lonely I’ve come to realize. There’s No epiphany in the end or a beautiful white angel to come and save you, to tell you that, “It’s all going to be alright. For this too, has purpose.” There’s nothing but pain and despair. And nothing left but a whole slew of questions left inside of you. Mainly the one I hear left on repeat and echoes through these deep, dark caverns of mine are, “Why?!”. The deafening silence that reverberates back is louder than any response I’ve ever received….