Lately I’ve been afraid. I’m afraid all the time. But deep down, I don’t know why. Why am I constantly running away. Is it because my thoughts are on overdrive and it’s my body’s response to flee before I overload? Flee from this unknown hurt that is always, constantly welling up inside of me?
What it comes down to is this….. My thoughts, that I call little demons, are always going round and round inside my head. They are never quiet. They won’t let me sleep. They take away my voice to communicate effectively with others, my very life essence to continue to live. They are never still. It seems that my thoughts only know how to verbally destroy me. I compare it to being in an psychological abusive relationship and having no where else to go. It never breaks and it never let’s you fully breathe. It paralyzes you…leaves you catatonic, until your nothing but a shell. Watching the motions of everyday come and go, with you dragging along beside it.
You can only do so much to try to keep your thoughts occupied. Run only so far, before you have to take a moment’s breathe and stop to regroup with yourself. Then when you start to feel the oncoming traffic of thoughts coming for you again- to get up and to start running even faster then you have before. This is the never ending cycle of mental verbal garbage.
“You’re worthless.” “It will never get better.” “You’re only dragging everyone down with you.” “Stop being so selfish and kill yourself already.” “You’re pathetic.” “No one loves you.” That is only the beginning of these tortuous thoughts. 24/7. It’s always there. Surely a human being can only handle so much of this?
“God will never give you more than you can handle.” I believe this not to be true. The fact that each year approximately one million people die from suicide all over the world, shows me that it was “more than they could handle”. And I weep so much for them. My heart just breaks when others are deeply saddened too, especially from this taboo disease.
Below is a link to a lighthearted and relatable HBO TV movie that is called, “My Depression”. It’s about a woman who narrarates her story, portrayed in animated format, of her life with depression and the difficulties that come with it. The main character is voiced by Sigourney Weaver. Despite is being a cartoon, it is gut wrenchingly dead on and accurate about describing this disease. Hopefully it will put a little smile on your face or help shed some light on understanding this illness you or someone else may be experiencing.