I can’t tell you how incredibly frustrating it is, to actually get out of bed and to motivate your body to act like a normal human being, like every other person on this planet is doing, from what seems to me, effortlessly. Just going to the kitchen to make a simple piece of toast turned out to be an exhausting battle. I was literally trying to will myself out of bed for two hours, full on tug-a-war on whether if it was worth it, in order to keep the hunger pains in my tummy away. Just one piece of damn toast.
I eventually made it to the kitchen. I decided to make four pieces and put them in a plastic container to save for later. Just so I wouldn’t have to go through that grueling process again. As I put my butter on, I thought I would put some sugared cinnamon on the toast, to try to give it some flavor. Opening the cupboards I saw we had cinnamon, but no more “cinnamon-sugar”, already to go and use. I’m ashamed on what I’m about to tell you next….
I started to cry. I broke down so incredibly hard, I almost couldn’t believe I was acting in this way. Right in front of family. I try so hard not to cry in front of them. I don’t want them to have to see me this way and to feel even more powerless then they already do. All over cinnamon-sugar? What is wrong with me?
It may sound so simply frivolous to cry over such a thing but, trying to understand the mind of a manic depressive is almost incomprehensible. All my whirling mind was thinking about was, I’m now going to have to go to the other cupboard, grab the sugar, open it, grab a teaspoon, grab another small container, open it, put the correct amount of cinnamon in it, put the correct amount of sugar in it, mix it up, taste it to make sure it’s probably balanced in flavor, put the sugar away, put the cinnamon away in the other cupboard, wash the utensils and finally, put it on your toast that you spent 2 hours in bed deliberating on whether you should get up and make in the first place.
I just finally accepted to accomplish getting out of bed. I had my mission targeted and reassured that I will feel better for it. So, when that obstacle came, my mind literally went into overload. An overload of emotions that came about that are so incredibly sensitive as it is. A feeling of an obstacle ahead, can leave me feeling like a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode with crying fits. And God am I ashamed of this. I was never this bad before. I feel like a rotten spoiled child, not getting what they want. But that really isn’t the case, I know deep down. I know now that, that certain area or part of my brain is very sensitive. Just one feather light touch of any sort of emotion, gets blown out of proportion ten fold.
So here I am now. Burnt toast covered in tears, laying in bed utterly exhausted. And no…I never did get that cinnamon concocted. All that silly drama for nothing.