Depression leaves you totally exhausted and disconnected from reality. I was writing everyday until, suddenly the “light bulb went out”. Just as quickly; I turned into mush. All I wanted to do was lay and sleep in bed all day/night, with my sleeping pills. I could no longer formulate words. They just sat in a big ball on my chest and lungs, almost as if I was going to explode.
The meaningless had crept back in. Why even try to write? Why, when even trying to form just one word or thought, becomes such a useless challenge. I don’t have the strength to express myself anymore. Words hold no capacity on the complete darkness I am going through right now.
I feel as if I am a ghost, coasting in and out of reality. I’m so disconnected. I can’t hold any sort of relationship with my family because, I feel as if the person they have known all my 32 years of life, is gone now. And now all there is, is this stranger who no longer knows how to feel anything but, self pity, anger, extreme sadness and guilt. It’s a mockery to try to keep up appearances for others sake and to be anything else than, this overwhelming sadness that consumes my mind on a daily basis.
It’s just easier to hide away.
Staring at a blank cursor on my screen does a pretty good job on summing up my emotions right now. The quietness…..waiting to be filled with words……The curser is almost taunting me. Blinking, waiting for me to do something. Anything. But I just wait. That’s all there is to do now.
As if this story, my story, is going to change somehow by some magical twist of fate.
As if the curser is already reading my pathetic thoughts and saying, “Hurry up! I don’t have all day!”
Wondering when it’s all going to break….
And wondering why I haven’t already.
Or maybe I already did break. And I’m just dangling by a thread, waiting to give way into complete nothingness.