Words seem to be at a standstill for the moment. Caught just between my heart and my mind. For all of those out there who may suffer….
You are not alone.
Depression creeps up on you quietly.
“At the very beginning, you start to struggle with a lot of things, but…you usually just ignore them.
It’s like a headache. You tell yourself that it’s just temporary and that it will pass. It’s just another bad day.
But, it’s not…..
You’re stuck in this state of mind and you get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people, because it’s what you have to do. It’s what others do.
However, the problem does not go away. You struggle to put on a play everyday and it starts to cost you more and more. That is where you fall even deeper and that’s when you start to slowly back away from friends and family. Sometimes completely shutting them out.
All satisfaction is gone. Little things that used to bring you joy, are now worthless. Even the simplest tasks become painful and that is where you lack motivation now. Why would you keep on trying of nothing makes you happy anyway?
All of this makes you feel even worse and then you get caught up in a vicious circle.
Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion. Days become indistinguishable. It’s just white noise….. it’s just heaviness filling your mind and spilling all over your body. You feel as though you will never be happy again.
You continue to back away and destroy relationships. You’re wishing for everything you’ve done and everything you haven’t . There is a part of you that wants to make things right. A sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people but, it’s all very short lived. Because you know it won’t work anyway.
And so in the end, you choose to be alone in your comfort zone, where no one asks any questions.
Low self esteem and a lack of purpose become unbearable. You finally realize you can’t go on that way and two things can happen…
You either decide to get some help…..
Or you might attempt a suicide.”