Contradiction

It’s the little things in life-
The blessings,
The hardships,
The act to be still.
How it can shape you,
Into the being that you are.

Even when it feels like,
Your running around,
In a blanket of darkness…
Searching for hope,
Hating how hard life can be,
Knowing that the biggest impacts,
In this screwed up world,
Are going to be the ones,
That destroy you the most.

If you ask me,
Life is one big contradiction.

(And this is what confuses me the most.)

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The Watcher

My Love,
I’m watching you-
Always.
You may not know it,
But…
I’m always there.

I watch you drink yourself into oblivion,
Fervently washing all your sorrows-
Away.
You may not know it-
But…
I’m always there;
To refill your bottomless cup.

I watch you as you take your sleeping pills,
So you won’t have to feel your pathetic life.
You may not know it-
But…
I’m always there;
Sleeping right next to you,
Staring at your tear dropped eyes,
Waiting patiently;
In the darkened shadows.

I watch you with your inner struggles;
How you desperately push all hopeless thoughts away.
You may not know it-
But…
I’m always there;
To push those sorrowful thoughts;
Right back.

I watch you when you softly cut your pretty skin;
Releasing all your bleeding hurt away.
You may not know it-
But…
I’m always there;
To catch your blood, as it falls.
My razor sharp tongue,
Licks at all of your lovely wounds.

You see…
I’m never too far away.
Because, the thing about depression is…
It demands to be felt.
And one way or another,
I will always get my way.

My Love,
I’m watching you-
Always.
You may not know it,
But….
I’m always there…
Right until the very end.

Dante’s Inferno

There is so much death in here-
My body that is…
I breathe in these decomposed fumes,
Exhale my life’s rotting ashes,
Yet somehow…
I’m still here.

It’s dumbfounding, you see…
How a stagnant body can go on,
How it continues to live,
Inside a nonexistent life…
A life I don’t want,
Nor is it one,
That I asked for…

-I’m screaming in tortured vain.-

I get up,
To suffer…
I go to bed,
To suffer more.
Confined in night terrors,
Dying over and over,
To repeat the same thing,
When I awake.

I’m dead inside this skin.
Which is suffocating tightly,
Covered in charcoaled brimstone,
Screaming in a voiceless agony.

It’s a never ending loop.
And I can’t help but think…
I must have died some time;
Long ago.

I’m left now in a void,
Where only demons dwell.

(Dear God,
Save me from this pit,
Forgive me of my sins,
Release me from this blazing hell.)

For, now I fear,
I’m just left over pieces-
A troubled soul;
Gone wrong.
Yesterdays fragmented ashes,
Of a girl I once knew,
Who is now stuck in a eternal funeral pyre.
-Burning away-
Destined to repeat a never ending story,
Which has imprisoned me inside my own-
Dante’s Inferno.

(Written in a fever of anguish.)

Heavy

That heavy feeling…
As if your chest becomes a vacuum,
Sucking in all of those scars….
Absorbing all of the loneliness and sadness,
That impossibly seems,
To never let up.

It almost becomes one with you.

Settling against those small crevices,
Of all your abandoned hopes.
Etching itself upon,
All your long forgotten dreams.

Scarring everything that you now are;
Everything that you once were.

I am becoming something,
Of which I am not.

But,
I can’t help shake the feeling that maybe,
This is where I’m supposed to be…

 

 

 

 

~*That Dark Place*~

When your alone, in the dark, locked up inside a place you don’t want to be….you try to find meaning. You try to find hope. You try to find hope anywhere and everywhere. You start looking in places you never even knew existed before. Before all of this suffocating darkness found you.

You’ll dig into the most darkest, abysmal places inside your erratic, beating heart. Every little nook and cranny. It’s a never ending game of hide-n-seek, that just won’t let up and play fair.

The darkness can start to make you feel crazy. You will start to conjure up outlandish stories about yourself on why and how you got to such an extraordinary place to begin with. You start to think, Where did this all go wrong? Why can’t I find the courage and strength to keep moving on? It seems like every other human being on this planet is doing just that, and they seem to be doing just fine. They’re coping. What do they have that I don’t have? And where can I find that?

There are times when my voice seems so silent, so shut up from all of this pain, so much so that I feel like it will suffocate me alive. How do I find this feeling called “hope”? And if I do find it…..will I get any better? Do I want to get better? It appears to become all that I’ve known now….

I hope below gives anyone who may stumble upon my little page, an ounce of hope. I’m still searching. But I hope to find hope. No matter how fantastical right now I feel that the idea may be.

 

Speaker: Angelo Ajayi 

 

“I believe what truly humbles us in this life is, the realization is that we’re all effected the same way. We’re hurt in different places and we’re broken by different things, but all of it effects us the same way.

Lost hope can destroy faith, a broken heart can wound a spirit, abuse can damage the soul. No one is immune from the ups and downs of life. They are all ones and all’s or nothing at all’s of life. The excitements of it all; the build ups and the crashes, the moments of joy, the painful nights, the fights with emotions and the emptiness that seduces.

You don’t get to skip over that. We’re all touched by it, we’re all broken by it.

Things happen. Plans fall apart. People leave. Faith crumbles. Enthusiasm dries up. And we’re effected. And then sometimes we’re effected, but nothing at all happened. We just feel this way.

We’re not built to be strong all the time. We’re not built to be brave all the time. Life gets hard and you run out of options.

You end up on your knees, praying to a God who won’t talk back. Plus, you cry into a pillow, that can’t squeeze back. You search for yourself at the end of a needle because, the pills didn’t help and the liquor made it worse.

All you want is validation, but you can’t find it. You close your eyes, you just want to go deep, to feel something, but it never comes. And all you know is that something in you wants to die.

That’s real. That’s life.

Sometimes you touch that place; you never thought you’d get there, you never thought you’d sink there, but you’re drowning. You never thought it would be you, but your crying. You don’t know how you got there, but you’re barely hanging on. And the closer you get to the edge, the harder it is to talk. You’ve disconnected, your scared to unplug.

It’s like a door shuts behind you and there you are screaming for your mother in the dark. But she can’t hear you. So you scream louder and it only gets darker.

I know you think there is no hope. I know you believe you have nothing left but, stay with me. Stay with me….because there is something in the human spirit, that refuses to be conquered. There is something in the human spirit that refuses to die.

I don’t know what it is, but in the dark, it responds. In the dark, it calls to you. “In the dark, it rages and rages against the dying of the light.”

It’s calling to you and I know there is something left in you. I know there is something else in you. I believe that.

But I know the other side of darkness, isn’t always light. I’ve been here long enough to know the other side of defeat, isn’t always victory. I can tell you right now, that on the other side of tears, and hurt; isn’t always smiles of redemption. This this is hard. This thing hurts. And most of the time, after the darkness, comes the pain.

The truth is, the pressure can kill you, if you let it. And if you fight it, there’s going to be pain. But that’s the price you pay, to fight pain. That’s the price you pay, to come out on the other side. That’s the price you pay, to grow. Pain is work.

Pain is digging into memories. Pain is confronting where you came from and what happened to you. Pain is dropping the “should of’s/could of’s” or “would-have-been’s”; and to start from where you are.

Pain isn’t the mistakes you make. Pain is accepting that you can’t fix them. Pain is, knowing that for you, the pressure doesn’t have to have a reason. It just is. It doesn’t have a cause. It just is. Decide to cradle life anyway.

Sometimes that’s all there is. That’s all we get. There’s no magic bullet, there’s no “cure all”. There’s only the chance to redefine our pain and call it “growth”. Because that’s where it starts. And that’s what is calling you in the dark. That’s what refuses to quit and grow. That’s the real you.

It doesn’t care what touched you. It doesn’t care what left you. It doesn’t care what kind of mess you turned your life into. It doesn’t care what you did. It doesn’t care if you think your broken. It just wants to grow. That’s the real you. It just wants to grow….

Growth is what we came here to do. Growth is who we are. Growth is redemptive; it heals. Growth is what drives life. Where there is no growth; you’ll find friction. And when you find friction, there’s chaos. Anxiety. Depression. Now these are expressions of chaos.

Some people suffer their entire lives. And the fact is, depression is a part of how we live our lives but, some of us get stuck there. The space between getting stuck in depression and getting to growth is called, “friction”.

When you’re stuck, you’ve got to get through friction before you see growth. Friction is uncomfortable. Friction is asking for help. Friction is learning to put yourself first. Friction is being brave enough to go beyond your reasons and check yourself into a recovery center. Friction doesn’t feel good.

Sometimes, it feels like your letting your friends and your family down.  Sometimes friction feels like failure. But friction is one step closer to growth. And that’s what you need. That’s what’s calling you.

You see…..I know the feeling. I know what it’s like to watch your entire world implode. I know what it feels like, to get hit hard in a place you thought you mastered. An area you thought you were safe. I know what it feels like, to watch people walk away from you. That stop believing in you.

I know what that feels like.

I know what it feels, to think you may never get back up again. I know what it is, to want to give up. I know what that broken record in your mind sounds like. I know how loud it gets. I know how long you’ve been asking yourself, “Why me?”.

And this is all there is. I know what that noise is telling you. But, here’s a little truth…

It’s just noise.

It sounds real. It feels real…

But it’s just noise.

The truth is….you can choose. The truth is, you’re not broken. The truth is, there’s still something here for you to do. The truth is, there’s a love out here for you. The truth is, someone still needs you. Someone still needs your smile. Someone still wants your arms around them. Someone, somewhere, is waiting for you.

That’s the truth.

The truth is, you are not alone. But you have got to make that pain count.

You want some truth? Well, here it is…..

Pain gets old. Pain gets exhausting. The truth is, the only thing that matters is, “what are you going to do next.” What you do next, is the only thing that matters.

Life is about movement. Even in the dark. Even if it’s just one terrifying, determined step at a time.

Where you are, isn’t who you are.

Who you are, is whoever you say you are.

And I say there is something else. Something more. And if pain is the price, then pay it full. Don’t give up.

Don’t give up.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As many of you know, I suffer from severe depression. Along my journey with depression, I’ve somehow accumulated a new disorder, although not diagnosed from a professional (even though it doesn’t take a genius for this one). I suffer horribly from Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) and haven’t left the house in many months. Not even to my front porch. I’m totally self reliant on my family, which means I am extremely grateful for them, for they have put up with more than any family should normally go through. It’s a funny thing how SAD just crept up on me. (Oh, and by the way, what a fitting acronym for it?) If anyone outside my box even tries to directly communicate with me, I just seem to shut down and hide.

But this post isn’t about my anxiety. Today I want to share with you about a beautiful journey that I took into the woods today. Visually guided of course, by a fantastic 30 minute session. It’s labeled, “Inner Journey Guided Meditation”, by New Horizon. I sadly don’t know anymore about this lovely lady, then that she goes by “New Horizon”. But listening to her soothing voice guide me across a desert, then into a beautiful forest followed by a calm, trickling meadow, help set my pacing mind at ease. And let me tell you… it was very humbling.

She gently guides you with her sooth, delicate voice and with the sounds of the environment that you find yourself surrounded in. It’s almost as if she is taking your hand, quite literally and imaginary, to help describe the journey that you are getting ready to embark on. All you have to do is, mentally pop up a screen projector in your mind and allow her to weave the scene together into a beautiful movie. I was able to let go (although, not completely, but maybe in the future) of all the burdens that I have been carrying along with me, in my term of turmoil.

Guided meditations have been booming in the last past couple of years and many therapists have been highly recommending to their patients, especially those suffering from mental depression and anxiety disorder, to give it a shot to help alleviate the tension we often times accumulate, sometimes unknowingly, into ourselves.

New Horizons said it perfectly:

Guided meditation is a form of meditation where an individual is verbally guided into a state of consciousness either by a person’s live voice or by a recording of a voice. This process and practice of meditation requires an individual to follow verbal instructions that teach the individual how to relax the entire body, clear the mind, concentrate on breathing, and focus one’s awareness and attention. What one chooses to explore when meditating all depends on the individual’s intentions, needs, and level of interest and passion.

We create our own guided meditations to help people to relax from the strains of every day life and to cleanse on the levels of body, mind and soul. They can be a great source of healing.”

I highly recommended meditation for everyone. That includes all you macho guys out there too! Don’t worry. You don’t have to dress up in little skinny yoga pants, wear a “man bun” or sit in silly poses (such as, “Downward-Facing Dog”) in front of a circle somewhere outdoors, with a large group of strangers. You can do meditation right in your very own home. Even secretly if you would like for that matter. Anywhere that you can find comfortable, that allows you to be idle and sit still or lie for a lengthy period of time. A place free from all distractions. There are even 10 minute meditations out there too, if you would rather prefer that. There are also some meditations out there that can last up to an hour.

My ultimate favorite meditations are the “Hypnosis Meditations”. Although, I’m beginning to think I’m not very susceptible to hypnosis. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop doing it. There are too many incredible stories out there that motivate me to continue on to try. Below, I will put the script that is used in “Inner Journey Guided Meditation | Flight to Freedom | Releasing Guilt and Negativity”. Then I’ll post a direct and free YouTube video below that and leave it up to you, to see if you would like to go on a self discovering journey through your heart, soul and mind. It’s not everyone’s “cup of tea”. But,

“You’ll never know or see a beautiful gift, unless you try to open the box.” – Me

 

Inner Journey Guided Meditation | Flight to Freedom | Releasing Guilt and Negativity.

 

“Imagine yourself surrounded by a beautiful bubble of golden light. And watch it, as it swirls gently around your body. Feel the warmth it brings to you. Feel it, as it touches your skin. This light is protecting you on your life’s journey. And this light will keep you safe. All is well in your world.

Now imagine you are walking across a harsh desert landscape. And the sun is very high in the sky. And you find it difficult to see your way, because the light is so bright. The sun is very hot upon your body and your skin feels sticky. On your back, is a very heavy sack filled with sand. And your back aches with the weight of it. With each step you take, you feel as if your feet are sinking down into the sand and it gets harder to walk.

It’s so heavy…..

So heavy…

Somehow though, you feel as though you deserve this. You feel it’s because of something you said or you did. And the lingering feeling of guilt, weighs heavily your shoulders. Weighing heavily on your mind.

You have been holding onto this guilt, for a long time now…..

Too long…

And you feel as if you’ll never be free of this terrible weight. Never be free of the burden you carry with you.

But you can be free of it.

It’s so easy….

To be free.

You carry on walking through the harsh desert, feeling the searing heat upon your body. And with each step you take, it becomes harder to walk. Harder to lift your feet out of the sand.

You walk a little further, when you see on the far horizon, something green, glinting in the harsh sunlight. At first, it’s too far away to make out clearly what it is you are seeing. But as your eyes start to adjust, eventually you can see that it’s a hilly landscape covered with pine trees. And as you draw nearer to the landscape, you start to notice things you couldn’t see before. You can see the tall, majestic pines standing out against the blue sky.

Can you see them…?

As you come closer still, you begin to smell the wonderful heady aroma of pine fill your nostrils. You keep walking and finally you come to the pine covered hills. You can see a path meandering its way through the woods beyond deep into the woods. And there is a wonderful, refreshing feeling in the air as you walk. Pine trees are blooming, birds are singing and you can even hear the buzz of the insects as they fly past you. In the distance, you can hear running water. As you walk closer, the sound gets louder.

Can you hear it…?

Can you hear the flow of the water, the energy of the water.

You see running across your path, a wide shallow stream. There are rocks in the stream and the sounds you heard were the sounds of water splashing over them.

But still, the lingering feeling of guilt, is weighing heavily on your mind.

You’ve walked a long way and you are tired now. So you sit by the stream and listen to the water gently washing over the rocks. The water looks cool and calm. It looks so clear and inviting.

You sit down on a comforting, sponge-like grass, to rest your weary body for awhile. You take off your shoes and place your hot, tired feet in the stream. And it feels so good. Feels so refreshing and cool.

As you sit there, you listen to the sound of running water. And you can hear the birds. There are lots of birds. You can hear the rustle of the gentle breeze moving through the branches of the pine trees. And you decide to have a drink from the stream.

You place your hands in the cool water and take a long drink. It’s so refreshing and it’s so cool. As you place your hands in for a second time, a shadow falls across you. You look up and see before you a woman. A beautiful woman, wearing a long dress the color of the sky and she smiles at you.

She takes a seat besides you and asks you, “Why do you look so sad?”

You answer her……

You don’t know why, but you tell her the truth, the whole truth, of how you are really feeling.

You sit with her for a few moments and unburden your soul to her. You tell her things that you have never told anyone before. Things that you have not even admitted to yourself. And the whole time, she smiles at you. She makes you feel so safe, so calm, so very, very peaceful.

So stay for awhile and talk to her. Tell her what is on your mind. Lift your soul and free yourself from these burdens you put upon yourself.

(Here you are given approximately six minutes of time with the mysterious woman in blue. It is enough time to allow you to reflect your emotions and to release all the burdens and thoughts, that you may be carrying with you on a daily basis. All the while you can hear birds chirping in the background, along with a flowing stream of cool water and some subtle, light music in the background.)

It’s nearly time for her to go now. But before she does, she tells you that, “You do not need to feel guilty anymore. You do not need to feel ashamed of anything you said, or did.” She tells you that, “If anything you do and say, comes from a place of love and from your heart, then you need not to feel guilty. You need not to feel ashamed, as long as it comes from your heart.” She tells you, “All you have to do is to be kind. Be kind to those who love you. Be kind to those who hurt you, for they are carrying heavy weights in their hearts, just as you were.”

She stands up now and takes her leave of you. And she smiles at you, one last time. And then she is gone.

You realize that, the heavy weight you were carrying on your back, has been lifted. It too, has gone now.  And you feel so much lighter. Your body feels lighter. Your heart feels lighter. And your very soul feels lighter. You feel so peaceful. So calm. So relaxed now. All of your tension and worries have gone.

You realize that, you didn’t get the chance to say thank you to this beautiful woman. But you say it anyway. You whisper it, hoping she knows and can hear you. And as if the sound is floating on the breeze….you clearly hear her say, “You are welcome.”

The rest of the dialog helps to guide you naturally out of the beautiful world our story teller has amerced us in. “Back to our physical surrounding, slowly and gently awakening us”.

What a beautiful meditation from someone who clearly has a beautiful soul, heart and voice. I hope you get the chance to listen to her and share your experiences to those in need.

~Namaste

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HBO, “My Depression” (Video below)

Lately I’ve been afraid. I’m afraid all the time. But deep down, I don’t know why. Why am I constantly running away. Is it because my thoughts are on overdrive and it’s my body’s response to flee before I overload? Flee from this unknown hurt that is always, constantly welling up inside of me?

What it comes down to is this….. My thoughts, that I call little demons, are always going round and round inside my head. They are never quiet. They won’t let me sleep. They take away my voice to communicate effectively with others, my very life essence to continue to live. They are never still. It seems that my thoughts only know how to verbally destroy me. I compare it to being in an psychological abusive relationship and having no where else to go. It never breaks and it never let’s you fully breathe. It paralyzes you…leaves you catatonic, until your nothing but a shell. Watching the motions of everyday come and go, with you dragging along beside it.

You can only do so much to try to keep your thoughts occupied. Run only so far, before you have to take a moment’s breathe and stop to regroup with yourself. Then when you start to feel the oncoming traffic of thoughts coming for you again- to get up and to start running even faster then you have before. This is the never ending cycle of mental verbal garbage.

“You’re worthless.” “It will never get better.” “You’re only dragging everyone down with you.” “Stop being so selfish and kill yourself already.” “You’re pathetic.” “No one loves you.” That is only the beginning of these tortuous thoughts. 24/7. It’s always there. Surely a human being can only handle so much of this?

“God will never give you more than you can handle.” I believe this not to be true. The fact that each year approximately one million people die from suicide all over the world, shows me that it was “more than they could handle”. And I weep so much for them. My heart just breaks when others are deeply saddened too, especially from this taboo disease.

Below is a link to a lighthearted and relatable HBO TV movie that is called, “My Depression”. It’s about a woman who narrarates her story, portrayed in animated format, of her life with depression and the difficulties that come with it. The main character is voiced by Sigourney Weaver. Despite is being a cartoon, it is gut wrenchingly dead on and accurate about describing this disease. Hopefully it will put a little smile on your face or help shed some light on understanding this illness you or someone else may be experiencing.