The Child Inside My Heart

There’s a heart out there,
That can be heard,
As it wanders up and down,
Darkened lonely streets.

Its cries are bellowed out,
Into an unsettling dark.
A morbid and vain attempt,
-A sirens call-
To lure your love back home,
Once again.

(It craves to be cradled,
Into your lonely forgotten arms.)

It always listens for you.
Upon every heartbeat,
In those shadowy steps…
As each echoing attempt,
Comes back in droves,
Of shattered-
Mourning waves.

(My heart is still that child,
Who can’t seem to comprehend,
That the essence of you,
Is now gone.)

How do you convince something,
Even in the midst of your own disbelief,
That sometimes,
There are things in this world,
That are just going to break?

That sometimes,
They will always haunt you?

It’s as if,
Love were a toy…
To be discarded like some used “thing”,
Then to be placed back onto some empty shelf,
Once all of its joy,
Has been selfishly spent.

(Tell me…
How does one convince this child,
Who now lives so brokenly,
Inside of my heart,
To finally let you go?)

I just don’t know…

 

 

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The Watcher

My Love,
I’m watching you-
Always.
You may not know it,
But…
I’m always there.

I watch you drink yourself into oblivion,
Fervently washing all your sorrows-
Away.
You may not know it-
But…
I’m always there;
To refill your bottomless cup.

I watch you as you take your sleeping pills,
So you won’t have to feel your pathetic life.
You may not know it-
But…
I’m always there;
Sleeping right next to you,
Staring at your tear dropped eyes,
Waiting patiently;
In the darkened shadows.

I watch you with your inner struggles;
How you desperately push all hopeless thoughts away.
You may not know it-
But…
I’m always there;
To push those sorrowful thoughts;
Right back.

I watch you when you softly cut your pretty skin;
Releasing all your bleeding hurt away.
You may not know it-
But…
I’m always there;
To catch your blood, as it falls.
My razor sharp tongue,
Licks at all of your lovely wounds.

You see…
I’m never too far away.
Because, the thing about depression is…
It demands to be felt.
And one way or another,
I will always get my way.

My Love,
I’m watching you-
Always.
You may not know it,
But….
I’m always there…
Right until the very end.

Insomnia of a Manic Depressive

My eyes may sleep,
But it’s a troubled soul,
That keeps this mind awake.

It’s a sort of buzzing,
Like that of a thousand fighting bee’s,
All begging to be set free.

They pulsate their fluttering wings,
Upon stricken nerve endings.
Constantly stinging their way out,
While burning the insides of your flesh.

This restless deprivation,
Has left a hungry thirst inside of me…
Even though,
I’m drowning amongst a flood of worries.

It’s the kind that can drive any sane person,
To madness.

I’m not sure what reality is, anymore…
Or if maybe, I’m asleep.
Just living inside a nightmare,
Upon some insomniacs hallucination.
A dream, trapped within a dream.

And soon I fear,
The nights will swallow me whole…
As the demons cart away,
All that is left of this vigilant, aching heart.

And when I am gone,
All that will be left behind,
Is an “IOU” from Mr. Sandman.
Remnants of delayed and forgotten dust,
That came just a little too late.
Nestled upon,
An empty, tangled pillow.

 

 

Heavy

That heavy feeling…
As if your chest becomes a vacuum,
Sucking in all of those scars….
Absorbing all of the loneliness and sadness,
That impossibly seems,
To never let up.

It almost becomes one with you.

Settling against those small crevices,
Of all your abandoned hopes.
Etching itself upon,
All your long forgotten dreams.

Scarring everything that you now are;
Everything that you once were.

I am becoming something,
Of which I am not.

But,
I can’t help shake the feeling that maybe,
This is where I’m supposed to be…

 

 

 

 

Depression creeps up on you quietly.

Words seem to be at a standstill for the moment. Caught just between my heart and my mind. For all of those out there who may suffer….

You are not alone.

 

Depression creeps up on you quietly.

“At the very beginning, you start to struggle with a lot of things, but…you usually just ignore them.

It’s like a headache. You tell yourself that it’s just temporary and that it will pass. It’s just another bad day.

But, it’s not…..

You’re stuck in this state of mind and you get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people, because it’s what you have to do. It’s what others do.

However, the problem does not go away. You struggle to put on a play everyday and it starts to cost you more and more. That is where you fall even deeper and that’s when you start to slowly back away from friends and family. Sometimes completely shutting them out.

All satisfaction is gone. Little things that used to bring you joy, are now worthless. Even the simplest tasks become painful and that is where you lack motivation now. Why would you keep on trying of nothing makes you happy anyway?

All of this makes you feel even worse and then you get caught up in a vicious circle.

Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion. Days become indistinguishable. It’s just white noise….. it’s just heaviness filling your mind and spilling all over your body. You feel as though you will never be happy again.

You continue to back away and destroy relationships. You’re wishing for everything you’ve done and everything you haven’t . There is a part of you that wants to make things right. A sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people but, it’s all very short lived. Because you know it won’t work anyway.

And so in the end, you choose to be alone in your comfort zone, where no one asks any questions.

Low self esteem and a lack of purpose become unbearable. You finally realize you can’t go on that way and two things can happen…

You either decide to get some help…..

Or you might attempt a suicide.”

-Kat Napiorkowka